So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
