The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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