The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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