I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
