i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
