so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
