I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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