if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
