Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When are your genitals available?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
