I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
