I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
