Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
