just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
