You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
