So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
