How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
