I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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