wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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