hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
