Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Your penis caused this!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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