i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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