OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
