My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
