so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
