Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
