just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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