i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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