Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
