my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
