3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
should my penis look like a turkey
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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