Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
