my phone needs a breathalizer
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
