Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
