i may or may not be watching the land before time
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
