It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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