He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
