the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
