I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
