I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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