from now on my penis is your penis
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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