I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
