Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
