How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize