i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
