shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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