Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
