If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
