Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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