this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
