she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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