fuck your aforementioned shoe
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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