I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
