i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
