you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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