so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
