I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
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porn star boner night. come get it.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
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I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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