Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
