I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
