I faked an abortion last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
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She told me I should be a condom model.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
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I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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